


The Colour and the Shape

by GoodGollyMissYollie (Yollie183)



Series: Ride The Lightning [8]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: A Cat Being An Asshole, Explicit Language, Forced Prostitution, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 18:50:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9002302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yollie183/pseuds/GoodGollyMissYollie
Summary: Steve Rogers works for a discreet private security company and gets assigned to James Barnes, a musician who takes the idea of 'sex, drugs and rock 'n roll' just a little too seriously.***THIS IS A COMPANION WORK TO Goddamn Electric ***





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So, I asked the wonderful people who are reading my fic [Goddamn Electric](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6756670/chapters/15441367) if they wanted scenes from Bucky's POV, and this is that!  
> Please go read that if you haven't yet, this won't make sense out of context (sorry!)
> 
> Title from the album of the same name by The Foo Fighters.

_Will you think of me,_

_In time?_

_It's never my luck,_

_So never mind._

_I wanna say your name,_

_But the pain starts_

_Again,_

_It's never my luck,_

_So never mind._

_I had a dream that you were with me,_

_And it wasn't my fault,_

_You roll me over,_

_Flipped me over,_

_Like a somersault._

_And that doesn't happen to me_

_I've never been here before_

_I saw forever in my never,_

_And I stood outside (his)_

_Heaven._

_Will you wait for me,_

_In time,_

_It's never my luck,_

_So never mind._

_And yeah I've lost a lot of what I never expect to ever return_

_I tend to push 'em 'til the pushing's turned from hurting to burn,_

_I always take them to that place they always wanted to go,_

_Then end up dancing 'round_

_This clown commands,_

_Applause at a show..._

_And I could only dream of you and sleep,_

_But I never see sunlight again,_

_I can try to be with you, but somehow I'll end up just losing a friend,_

_And I can only reach for you_

_Relate to you,_

_I'm losing my friend_

_Where did (he) go?_

_Where?_

_Will you let me into your heaven?_

 

_\- My Never, Blue October_

 

_~_

 

Bucky watched Steve walk away, then turned and made his way to his bedroom. He dragged the box out from under his bed, his hands inhumanly steady as he cooked up the heroin and pulled it into the needle, then he paused, looking down at the syringe.

He didn’t want to do this. He was so, so tired of this seemingly endless cycle of _self-destruct_. What he truly wanted was to go after Steve. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t do that to someone so pure and good. No matter how much he may want to.

A soft knock sounded from the doorway and Bucky’s heart leapt painfully against his ribs.

“I called Shield. My replacement will be here in an hour,” Steve’s voice sounded; a little scratchier than Bucky was used to.

It hurt, that Steve would go so easily, and something selfish and hot blossomed in Bucky’s chest. He threw the syringe against the wall, feeling a sick sort of satisfaction when the needle broke, even though he’d been desperate enough to inject with snapped needles before. In his periphery, Bucky saw Steve retreat and suddenly felt the irrational urge to come clean.

“When I was almost fifteen, I ran away from home,” Bucky started, getting up to retrieve his SVR file. He told Steve, as much as he could get past the burning in his throat, letting him read the file after yet another argument. Bucky didn’t want a different bodyguard, and he clung selfishly, unfairly to Steve’s presence, even as he hated himself for forcing Steve into association with something as vile as him.

Bucky stared unseeingly at a coffee-stained page of Demon Seed while Steve read the contents of the file. He waited until Steve was on the last page before shifting carefully closer.

“I told you it’s not pretty.”

“I had no idea.” Steve cleared his throat.

“No one does. I’ve never even told Wade about it.”

“Why tell me?”

“You deserve to know,” Bucky answered. “I didn’t mean to kiss you, didn’t mean to soil you like that.”

Steve’s eyes went wide as he turned to face Bucky. “Soil me?”

“You’re good. Pure. All I’ve ever been is unclean.” The words hurt as they left his lips.

“Bucky,” Steve started, “you’re not – “

“Don’t,” Bucky didn’t want to hear Steve lie in platitudes. He knew the truth, had known it for as long as he could remember. Bucky wanted everything to go back to the way it was before they’d shot the music video, and pushed aside his need to make Steve see how bad for him Bucky was. He settled on banality instead. “Is pizza okay for dinner?”

Steve’s eyes made a kaleidoscope of expression, ending with something like pain, before he answered. “Pizza’s good.”

 

Steve went to bed near the end of the movie, and Bucky put the leftover pizza in the fridge before heading up to the attic. He grabbed the iPod from its dock and selected a playlist consisting mainly of Rage Against the Machine and System of a Down, fitting his headphones securely over his ears. He checked that the door was fully closed, ensuring that the room was mostly soundproof and he wouldn’t wake Steve before taping up his hands. He stepped up to the punching bag hanging from the ceiling, and took a deep breath. He let the music wash over him, letting the rhythm of the bass and drums guide his movements as he threw punch after punch, until his muscles burned and he could no longer lift his left arm. He wiped a hand over his face, and realized it was wet with tears as well as sweat.

_Feeling sorry for yourself, Jimmy? You’re pathetic._

Bucky hit the bag once more, shoving the voice down to the recesses of his mind where it belonged. He could do better. He could _be_ better. He could be good, for Steve.

 

And he tried. He stopped drinking, stopped opening the box under his bed. His body pulled itself to equilibrium in a couple of days. Without Pierce to make him crave the numbness from the drugs, he was okay. More than okay. He found himself smiling at random moments, laughing more genuinely at stupid jokes than he had in years. It felt good, ridiculously so.

And when he and Steve boarded the subway after dinner to attend a release party for Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, Bucky felt almost giddy.

At home, after the party, Bucky made them tea, and tried to think of something to say to Steve. His mind was reeling with things, _feelings_ , all unfamiliar and slightly terrifying, and he panicked as Steve stood to go to bed.

“Hey, Steve?” Bucky called after him. He decided on saying the first thing that had popped into his head. “For what it’s worth, thank you.” He didn’t mean it just for that night, but for everything Steve’s had to put up with since becoming Bucky’s bodyguard.

Steve gave a lopsided smile. “If I try to hug you, are you gonna punch me again?”

Bucky choked off a sob that rose suddenly in his throat and all but threw himself into Steve’s arms. The sensation was alien, and Bucky tried to think back on the last time someone besides a Siberia fan had hugged him. He came up empty, wondering for a second if his mother had ever hugged him, but the memories he had of her were few and faded.

Bucky buried his face against the skin of Steve’s neck, his eyes forced shut to keep back tears. It just felt so _good_ , being hugged by Steve and he thought he could happily stay like that until morning.

Then came an angry sound from below.

“Ow, fuck!” Steve said, letting go of Bucky to look down at Fred who was disengaging her claws from the leg of his jeans. “What’d you do that for?” Steve asked the cat.

Fred, in no uncertain terms, threatened more bloodshed if she wasn’t fed, and Steve and Bucky shared a glance, then broke into laughter.

Bucky was taken aback at the warmth flooding his body, then realized he was _happy,_ truly happy, for the first time in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!


End file.
